Ministry isn't serving, it's living with and relating to.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Desiree's Funeral
Today is Desiree's funeral.
She was 25 years old, and died of a suicide and we are supposed to comfort each other when we gather.
The normal platitudes don't really fit. Are we going to remember the good times, the laughter, the joys of her life? To remember her is to sorrow, at this point. To revel in our lapses.
The mother, who gave her life, but also caused her to be born with AIDS.
The grandmother who cared for her, but also let her slip through her fingers so she would live in the street for years.
The pastor (me) who would support her on the street, but was too busy to reach out and connect with her when she was spiraling.
The long term boyfriend who made sure she was taking the proper medication and in a safe apartment for a while, but who left her.
The caretakers who watched over her, but didn't make sure that she wasn't overdosing on her own medication.
On the surface, we all seemed to care, we all prayed for her, but in the end we all failed her. She had a terrible life, a difficult life and we did what little we could. But if one of us could have done more, sacrificed a bit more for her, perhaps she would still be alive.
She was 25 years old, and died of a suicide and we are supposed to comfort each other when we gather.
The normal platitudes don't really fit. Are we going to remember the good times, the laughter, the joys of her life? To remember her is to sorrow, at this point. To revel in our lapses.
The mother, who gave her life, but also caused her to be born with AIDS.
The grandmother who cared for her, but also let her slip through her fingers so she would live in the street for years.
The pastor (me) who would support her on the street, but was too busy to reach out and connect with her when she was spiraling.
The long term boyfriend who made sure she was taking the proper medication and in a safe apartment for a while, but who left her.
The caretakers who watched over her, but didn't make sure that she wasn't overdosing on her own medication.
On the surface, we all seemed to care, we all prayed for her, but in the end we all failed her. She had a terrible life, a difficult life and we did what little we could. But if one of us could have done more, sacrificed a bit more for her, perhaps she would still be alive.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Tideland
I am absolutely stunned by this movie. It made me nervous at first to have Terry Gilliam give an apologetic for the movie just before it began. But after watching it for ten minutes I understood. The film is exposing this young girl to everything that parents want to protect their children from-- and some things we would want to protect anyone from-- and then observing her reactions. It is a wonderful, terrible feeling, watching this movie. On the one hand, you want to save this girl-- much like in Pan's Labyrinth-- but on the other, you are amazed at her resilience, her wonder, her determination not to be afraid at all cost.
And Jodelle Ferland is spot on. She plays the precocious child (of which I fathered at least one) with exactness. Nothing can phase her, for everything is new, and wondrous and whatever she doesn't care for, she will just reinvent. Jodelle was utterly believable, and I think that few could really pull this off.
In a way, this movie did what A.I.: Artificial Intelligence attempted and was unable to do. Both AI and Tideland are attempting to put children in very adult situations, to see them from their point of view. Curiously, although I love AI for what it is, that Spielberg film was too fantastic, but this Gilliam film was completely realistic. I believed that everything I saw was possible, no matter how outlandish it seemed. I know people just like Dickens and Noah (two excellent performances by Brenden Fletcher and Jeff Bridges), I know people who could be Dell. Put them in the right situation-- and my daughter (God forbid) in the lead-- and this story would play out.
One of the things it makes me think about is children living in an adult world. Although I protect my children a bit, I've always been a believer in safely exposing them to the adult world sooner rather than later. Part of that is just self defense, because as workers with the homeless and mentally ill, we have drunks, addicts, schizophrenics, bi-polar, etc. over to our house all the time. And these people sometimes become friends with my children (under observation) and then turn around and disappear, or change personalities, or die. While most people wouldn't consider this a great environment to raise one's kids, I think that overall, it's been good. Children really are resilient, as this movie shows. Rather than be damaged for life, they learn to be strong, to deal with people unlike themselves and to be who they are despite what their friends are like.
When Jeliza-Rose gets older, she will shake her head at the experiences she had when she was younger. She might even be ashamed at her ignorance. But because it gave her opportunities to experience what most people never would, she could take that and respond differently to life than others. With more strength, quite possibly.
One last thing to say. The ending was perfect. It was both a natural outcome of the story, and a complete finish. Just perfect.
And Jodelle Ferland is spot on. She plays the precocious child (of which I fathered at least one) with exactness. Nothing can phase her, for everything is new, and wondrous and whatever she doesn't care for, she will just reinvent. Jodelle was utterly believable, and I think that few could really pull this off.
In a way, this movie did what A.I.: Artificial Intelligence attempted and was unable to do. Both AI and Tideland are attempting to put children in very adult situations, to see them from their point of view. Curiously, although I love AI for what it is, that Spielberg film was too fantastic, but this Gilliam film was completely realistic. I believed that everything I saw was possible, no matter how outlandish it seemed. I know people just like Dickens and Noah (two excellent performances by Brenden Fletcher and Jeff Bridges), I know people who could be Dell. Put them in the right situation-- and my daughter (God forbid) in the lead-- and this story would play out.
One of the things it makes me think about is children living in an adult world. Although I protect my children a bit, I've always been a believer in safely exposing them to the adult world sooner rather than later. Part of that is just self defense, because as workers with the homeless and mentally ill, we have drunks, addicts, schizophrenics, bi-polar, etc. over to our house all the time. And these people sometimes become friends with my children (under observation) and then turn around and disappear, or change personalities, or die. While most people wouldn't consider this a great environment to raise one's kids, I think that overall, it's been good. Children really are resilient, as this movie shows. Rather than be damaged for life, they learn to be strong, to deal with people unlike themselves and to be who they are despite what their friends are like.
When Jeliza-Rose gets older, she will shake her head at the experiences she had when she was younger. She might even be ashamed at her ignorance. But because it gave her opportunities to experience what most people never would, she could take that and respond differently to life than others. With more strength, quite possibly.
One last thing to say. The ending was perfect. It was both a natural outcome of the story, and a complete finish. Just perfect.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Taking a Break
I'm working today on organizing my departure. I'm struggling with finding folks to take over some of my jobs. Who will be able to look at 400 pounds of food and determine what meal could be made from that? Who will receive donations and decide which of the four or five sites the donation would be best to go to? Who will keep the kitchens clean, and help people to cook according to the Oregon Health Department code?
I understand that things will be different when I leave for three months. I'm good with that. But I don't want to leave a mess that no one knows how to deal with.
I understand that things will be different when I leave for three months. I'm good with that. But I don't want to leave a mess that no one knows how to deal with.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Mutiny!
So I invited a bunch of Anawim leaders to a prayer meeting and they said, "Steve, we're glad you're here. We'd like you to step down from leadership, as soon as possible." Neededless to say, I was shocked! And my wife was the head of the conspiracy!
Well, it didn't go down EXACTLY like that. I asked them to pray with me about whether the Lord was asking me to take Fridays and Tuesdays off for three months. After seeking the Lord, they all felt that I should take off all the rest of the days as well. Basically, they were giving me permission to take a Sabbatical-- read, "pushing me out the door."
I think this will be really good for Anawim, and a real turn around the corner that Anawim needs. As long as I'm around, it will be easy for Anawim to depend on me, and only me, for the running of the church. Now that we've got a group of committed folks for over a year now, it is time for me to let go and let God use them!
That is not to say this is easy for me. Besides reorganizing a few things, I need to trust that the changes that WILL happen to Anawim while I'm gone will be positive.
In the meantime, I'm going to look for some help. Who is willing to help out Anawim while I'm gone? The dates have yet to be determined, but I suspect I'll be dropping out sometime in late September. I also need to figure out some other stuff, like a week in a retreat center (Diane's forcing me to do that as well!-- she really wants to be rid of me!). Also, I firmly believe that the Lord is calling me to finish writing a book during that time and see about getting it published. We'll see what happens in the end....
Please pray for me, Anawim and my family as all this goes down!
Well, it didn't go down EXACTLY like that. I asked them to pray with me about whether the Lord was asking me to take Fridays and Tuesdays off for three months. After seeking the Lord, they all felt that I should take off all the rest of the days as well. Basically, they were giving me permission to take a Sabbatical-- read, "pushing me out the door."
I think this will be really good for Anawim, and a real turn around the corner that Anawim needs. As long as I'm around, it will be easy for Anawim to depend on me, and only me, for the running of the church. Now that we've got a group of committed folks for over a year now, it is time for me to let go and let God use them!
That is not to say this is easy for me. Besides reorganizing a few things, I need to trust that the changes that WILL happen to Anawim while I'm gone will be positive.
In the meantime, I'm going to look for some help. Who is willing to help out Anawim while I'm gone? The dates have yet to be determined, but I suspect I'll be dropping out sometime in late September. I also need to figure out some other stuff, like a week in a retreat center (Diane's forcing me to do that as well!-- she really wants to be rid of me!). Also, I firmly believe that the Lord is calling me to finish writing a book during that time and see about getting it published. We'll see what happens in the end....
Please pray for me, Anawim and my family as all this goes down!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Dealing With Conflict
Something that happened last night might help people understand some of the difficulties of having large groups of the mentally ill or socially weak together.
Julie and Jim (pseudonyms being used here!) are a mixed race couple who have come to Gresham a number of times. I met them for a first time when we allowed people to stay overnight when the weather was so terrible. They were nice enough, good people, never causing any trouble. Julie was definately more friendly than Jim-- he definatly had a tough repuation to keep up, and we were a little different for him. At one point a rapper friend of mine-- Jesse-- showed up and he spent the whole time talking to Jim about rap music and various musical things. That was great for both of them.
So Julie and Jim showed up last night, ate, hang out during the movie, and they went out to smoke. No problem. Well, maybe a bit, because what they wanted to smoke was weed. In Anawim, we have a no drugs policy, and I want to make sure that we don't get in trouble for people having illegal substances. The last thing I want is the police around.
This is where John comes in. I really like John (what is it with these "j" names in this story? I guess it's just the way it is...), but he can be a real hothead sometimes. I've had trouble with him in the past with his anger, but it's always worked out. Lately he's really been seeking the Lord, realizing that God can really help him with his problems. He's been listening to the Spirit and receiving counsel from believers. There's been a huge amount of growth in him over the last few months.
Well, John was outside and saw Jim with his joint. John went up to him and said, in his slightly manic manner, "Hey, this is a church, and you shouldn't be doing that because it's disrespectful." Jim promply ignored him. So John continued, "You know that I'm trying to get clean and I don't need that kind of stuff around me." Julie's response is, "So, go somewhere else."
John gets pretty upset, so he comes in to me, whispering under the movie, "You know that there's these guys smoking weed over behind the church." I couldn't hear him well, but I caught at least that much, and I thought he was talking about a different guy, who has a medical marijuana card. I knew I'd have to approach him about it, but I also knew John. I knew that if I came right out, they'd feel judged. So give it some time and I'll talk to them next time. I told John, "Okay, thanks. I'll deal with it." And sat back down next to my daughter.
Well, that wasn't quick enough for John. So he went straight back out.
About ten minutes later, John comes back to me and says, clearly enflamed, "You know, you should listen to what I tell you. I had to go out there and deal with it myself and bitch slap that guy."
"What!?" I said (still kinda quietly, because of the movie. I walked out of the church and went to the back.
"They aren't there, now." Jeff says.
"What do you think you're doing? I'm trying to get this guy to follow Jesus, and you're going to use violence? That's a great way to bring someone to the Lord! I was going to bring it up to him gradually, so that we could have a peaceful situation-- but you just couldn't wait! You just need to let me deal with it!"
"Look, he was blowing smoke in my face, there wasn't anything I could do. So I yelled at them. I didn't touch them, or anything."
"So... when you said you 'bitch slapped' him, you were lying to me?"
"That's right."
I turned away, disgusted. Now I had a situation. I have some folks who may not want to come back because they might think that I sent Jeff out there to yell at them. And I've just yelled at John, and that might trigger his anger and he'll want to take it out on me. Great.
When I got home, Diver (finally, not a "j" name!) told me that he talked to the people involved, away from the church and explained that John just went off a bit. Diver said that they were okay. John called me today, and apologized for his overreaction. So I guess it's all okay.
I still have to deal with the weed issue, and I will. But at least I have a chance to do it, now, without losing folks who might be damaged by feeling judged for something they think is perfectly fine. Everything in Anawim is step by step, no huge leaps here.
Julie and Jim (pseudonyms being used here!) are a mixed race couple who have come to Gresham a number of times. I met them for a first time when we allowed people to stay overnight when the weather was so terrible. They were nice enough, good people, never causing any trouble. Julie was definately more friendly than Jim-- he definatly had a tough repuation to keep up, and we were a little different for him. At one point a rapper friend of mine-- Jesse-- showed up and he spent the whole time talking to Jim about rap music and various musical things. That was great for both of them.
So Julie and Jim showed up last night, ate, hang out during the movie, and they went out to smoke. No problem. Well, maybe a bit, because what they wanted to smoke was weed. In Anawim, we have a no drugs policy, and I want to make sure that we don't get in trouble for people having illegal substances. The last thing I want is the police around.
This is where John comes in. I really like John (what is it with these "j" names in this story? I guess it's just the way it is...), but he can be a real hothead sometimes. I've had trouble with him in the past with his anger, but it's always worked out. Lately he's really been seeking the Lord, realizing that God can really help him with his problems. He's been listening to the Spirit and receiving counsel from believers. There's been a huge amount of growth in him over the last few months.
Well, John was outside and saw Jim with his joint. John went up to him and said, in his slightly manic manner, "Hey, this is a church, and you shouldn't be doing that because it's disrespectful." Jim promply ignored him. So John continued, "You know that I'm trying to get clean and I don't need that kind of stuff around me." Julie's response is, "So, go somewhere else."
John gets pretty upset, so he comes in to me, whispering under the movie, "You know that there's these guys smoking weed over behind the church." I couldn't hear him well, but I caught at least that much, and I thought he was talking about a different guy, who has a medical marijuana card. I knew I'd have to approach him about it, but I also knew John. I knew that if I came right out, they'd feel judged. So give it some time and I'll talk to them next time. I told John, "Okay, thanks. I'll deal with it." And sat back down next to my daughter.
Well, that wasn't quick enough for John. So he went straight back out.
About ten minutes later, John comes back to me and says, clearly enflamed, "You know, you should listen to what I tell you. I had to go out there and deal with it myself and bitch slap that guy."
"What!?" I said (still kinda quietly, because of the movie. I walked out of the church and went to the back.
"They aren't there, now." Jeff says.
"What do you think you're doing? I'm trying to get this guy to follow Jesus, and you're going to use violence? That's a great way to bring someone to the Lord! I was going to bring it up to him gradually, so that we could have a peaceful situation-- but you just couldn't wait! You just need to let me deal with it!"
"Look, he was blowing smoke in my face, there wasn't anything I could do. So I yelled at them. I didn't touch them, or anything."
"So... when you said you 'bitch slapped' him, you were lying to me?"
"That's right."
I turned away, disgusted. Now I had a situation. I have some folks who may not want to come back because they might think that I sent Jeff out there to yell at them. And I've just yelled at John, and that might trigger his anger and he'll want to take it out on me. Great.
When I got home, Diver (finally, not a "j" name!) told me that he talked to the people involved, away from the church and explained that John just went off a bit. Diver said that they were okay. John called me today, and apologized for his overreaction. So I guess it's all okay.
I still have to deal with the weed issue, and I will. But at least I have a chance to do it, now, without losing folks who might be damaged by feeling judged for something they think is perfectly fine. Everything in Anawim is step by step, no huge leaps here.
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